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alone, animal, boyfriend, depressed, gif, hate, late, love, lust, night, picture, rant, sad, upset, wolf, words, writing

Sometimes my emotions spiral out of control until they dwindle down into a dark, deep pit of gloom. I often find myself pondering over various questions concerning my well-being, future and self image while I search for a way to climb back up out of this pit. Tonight’s question is one that I’ve stumbled on a few times before. Can I be loved?

I would say I’m suffering from a deep bereavement despite the fact the one I love is still living, just without me. I feel an emptiness in my heart where he once took shelter. My self-confidence is shattered and every time I look in the mirror I wonder if anyone will ever look back at me and tell me they think I’m beautiful. I constantly hear compliments day to day but none of which slip off the tongue with a tang of care. I’m aware most of the time it’s just sweet-talking prowlers who have recently heard of my relationship deterioration and are interested in tasting my lips. Their compliments feel more like insults at times. 

I feel like I will only ever be an object of lust. I watch the eyes of men scan my body and stare past my eyes, giving themselves thoughts of pleasure and enjoyment. I feel like a man can only love me for a brief time, fuck me a few good rounds and then get bored. I know I’m nothing extraordinary but I want someone to make me feel like I am – and then stay afterwards for cheese, crackers and wine. 

I want to laugh, learn and go on adventures with someone who isn’t always trying to predict the next moment I will devour their nectarous taste. I feel deep inside that this will never happen to me though. I understand this is my depression talking, being more profound with the recent events taking place in my life. Despite whether or not the words are coming from within my own thinking or spewing out from the depression, it’s how I’m feeling.

I don’t think I will ever be loved in the deep regard that I long for and hope will someday find me. I also believe that this thinking has always lured me towards settlement to expedite the fulfilling of this craving I have for love. 

In the end, I will always be a lone wolf. No matter what pack I end up running with.