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I miss you. Not the you that you have become but the you that I had once fallen in love with.

You used to hold my hand whenever you got the chance. Our fingers would intertwine with eachothers as we would frequently squeeze one another to see who could squeeze the hardest. You always would win, but the pressure of your strength against my delicate skin made the moment real even though it seemed like a dream most of the time. You would rub your rough thumb against my smooth skin for what seemed like forever, then would expect me to do the same, which I always ended up doing. We took turns expressing our love through these silly little touching games we played once. I miss that.

You used to kiss me whenever I looked your way. There was a time when you couldn’t keep your lips off me. You would kiss my pink cheeks, my rose coloured lips, my arms, my hands, my forehead, my shoulders… These days I have to ask your permission to kiss you because you told me you no longer feel the urge to kiss me, especially in public. The only time you willingly kiss me is when I shamefully give myself away to you, only for you to stop kissing me once the last bit of my dignity has been thrusted out of me.

You used to tell me you loved me. Not in the “oh yeah you too” mumbling sense you do now but the “you mean the absolute world to me, I love you dearly” passionate way. The words used to slip off your tongue so naturally and clean-cut, but nowadays they are coated with doubt and insecurity. Your words used to be believable as you would whisper them, along with sweet nothings, into my listening ears. You never say it first anymore. I have to repeat myself over and over again just to simply hear you mumble it, and give myself away to you to hear that clean-cut version you used to so proudly announce to the world.

What happened?

I ask myself this question every day. These past two years, what did I do wrong? Did I become unattractive to you? Did I lose sight of what our relationship was? Did I give you to much credit? Did I over-speculate on things? Did I do this, did I do that? I never thought to ask myself, what did you do wrong?

You took the little confidence I had within myself and tormented me with it for the past 6 months. You lied about loving me just because “you were scared”. What did you think I was going to do? I’m a fragile girl who has so much love to give to the world and wouldn’t hurt a soul. You lied to me. You abused me. You took advantage of me.

You loved me once. You genuinely did.

I miss that you.